Hook Equity

I came home and tried to hang up my coat. It is my total winter coat - sort of like a sleeping bag, but a coat. Very nice and warm. But that's not the point.

I came home and tried to hang up my coat. But I can't. He has all the hooks. There are 6 hooks on my coat rack, and his coats take up all 6.

I have a total of 2 coats that I need to hang up for everyday use. Why do you need 6? I want hook equity.

Have you had that problem?

The art is Givanni Boldini's Putting on her Dress. I don't have a date for this, but it is probably the 1870's. You know she will need a coat to wear with this dress. I hope she has hook equity.

New Product Idea

I have a truly inspired idea for a new product. If someone could put it together quickly and get it ready for Christmas shopping, I know they'd make a fortune.

You've heard of noise-canceling headphones? They are amazing headphones that emit a sound that somehow cancels out the sounds around you without just blasting a ton of static into your ears. Some of them work really well. I have a pair that I wear on airplanes.

Well, how about noise canceling mouthpieces? They would cancel out the sound of the person wearing them, so no one would have to listen to them speak or scream. They would be great for children, whether on airplanes, art museums, movies, or when your friends bring them to visit.

If you could make some really cheap ones I could carry some with me, and offer them to needy children.

I'm just a giver, you know. Always thinking of the children.

Anyone interested in creating this product?

The art is Pablo Picasso's Mother and Child, 1922.

Cats or Children?

I think I'm better with cats than with children. When I come home, Cujo meets me at the door, meowing loudly and continually. I have learned that this is his "I'm hungry" cry. So I fill his dish and take it to his area, saying, "Look Cujo, it's yummy yummy Cujo food for Cujo!" I like to say his name a lot, because I think somehow he will learn it and eventually come when I call him, fetch sticks, and guard the house against burglars.

My friend has a 2 year old child. To him I say, "So, have you considered colleges? What do you think you'd like to do?" And sometimes, "Geez, kid, get a job!" And, "Do you realize it is rather annoying when you run around and around the house like that slapping everyone?"

I pick Cujo up and stroke him, saying, "Good Cujo. What a good kitten you are, my little special kitty cat." Cat hair and dander flies everywhere. There are times when I seem to be wearing a cat hair suit.

I shake hands with my friend's child, then wash my hands, because we all know kids are germ magnets.

It's probably a good thing I forgot to have children.

The art is from an old 1980's T-shirt that I've always loved, based on a Roy Lichtenstein painting.

OK so say you are in a bar, pub, or a restaurant where you are bound to use the restroom more than once.

I tend to go to the same stall over and over again. Do you?

If there is an odor there after my first or second or whatever visit there, I freak out a little, but I don't go to a new one. Do you?

If I flush and the toilet paper doesn't go all the way down, I tend to leave it in the hopes that some one else will see it and be repulsed, and therefore less likely to use "my" stall. Do you?
Just wondering.

The art is Jean Helion's Upside Down, 1947.

Mexico Flood

In case you hadn't heard, there are hundreds of thousands of people affected by a huge flood in Mexico.

From the AP Story:
At least one death was reported and nearly all services, including drinking water and public transportation, were shut down. The flood affected an estimated 900,000 people — their homes flooded, damaged or cut off by high water. The flooding is in Villahermosa, the state capital of Tabasco, in southeastern Mexico.

The floods are also affecting oil production and cultural treasures (like these huge pre-Colombian Olmec heads that are really amazing).

I don't know anyone in that area, but if you do I hope everything is OK for them.

There are some Reuters photos here:
http://news.yahoo.com/photos/ss/events/wl/110207mexicofloods/im:/071018/photos_ts/2007_10_18t135257_450x346_us_climatechange_usa_energy;_ylt=AhC9khKtWwx.bOXjBKfuuc.aK8MA
The art is Mexican surrealist artist Rodolfo Morales' Angel de Anoranza. He often included women, angels, and buildings in his paintings.

Sports Fans

The Red Sox won the World Series. I am a Sox fan, so that made me happy. It made a lot of people happy. It made them so happy that at least 37 were arrested here in my lovely Boston.

This is a quote from our WBZ News site:

37 people were arrested overnight in the city by Boston and State Police, mostly for disorderly conduct. No serious injuries were reported. 16 cars were vandalized on Newbury Street. Most of the damage was broken side view mirrors, broken windows and damaged windshield wipers. At least one small fire was set and at one point, the crowd flipped a pick up truck on to its side. Young people sprayed each other with beer and some climbed street signs or utility poles. Pictures captured by WBZ-TV crews showed at least one car tipped over near Copley Square. (end quote)

I am puzzled. How does starting fires and destroying property express your team or civic spirit? I just don't get it. At least no one was killed, like in 2004.

I don't think this is endemic to Boston. I know all over the world people go crazily violent when their sports team wins. What is it about? Seriously, I just don't understand it.

Of course, I also don't understand how a US event is termed a "World" Series. But maybe that's just me.

The art is Bacchus, 1626, by the Baroque painter Jusepe de Ribera.

A Deep Philosophical Question

Do you think that my cat knows I love him? And can he love me?

Or does he just want me because I feed him and scoop out his poop, and if I died he would eat me?

The art is Nude With a Cat, 1949, by Balthus.

Halloween 2007

We had fun. The theme was (2) 007. I don't really own a "Bond girl" dress, and didn't want to spend a fortune to buy one. So I went as a sort of random Austin Powers' slut. My friend went as a '60's girl too, but less slutty. She looked great. We worked for hours to get our hair and makeup right. Eventually we had to just admit our hair doesn't do what the '60's girls' hair did. But I think we still looked good!

OK sorry K but I have to come clean here. I got her hair into this fab '60's do. Flipped up at the bottom, with this great "bump" in the crown. But it freaked her out so much that she had to redo it.

I didn't mind. Much. :)

The car is an Astin Martin that the party hosts brought for the occasion. I told him it was "cute" before I understood what I was dealing with.

More Buffett Photos

People brought all kinds of stuff to this thing.

The first photo is me in one of the several inflatable pools that people brought. They somehow brought enough water to actually fill these things. The water felt great on such a hot day.

The second photo is of a cooler/scooter. Seriously. The guy sat on a cooler and rode it around like a scooter. Weird, but pretty cool nonetheless.

The last photo is of me and a portable blender, owned by the couple parked next to our tent. You make it run by turning the knob I am touching, just like you would a motorcycle. It made a revving sound too. Very cool.

I tried to interview him on video, but we had technical difficulties and couldn't finish the interview.

More on Buffett

There is a real carnival feeling at the pre-concert tailgating. Lots of people dressed up in costumes. Leis, grass skirts, coconut bras, and funny hats. These are just a few of my favorite characters.

A Sad Day

I just found out that a friend died on Monday, apparently of natural causes. I'd never met him. He was an online friend. A good one. And a good man, full of fun and full of life. That is how I'll remember him. Quick with a joke, insightful, and above all else, kind.

I'll raise a glass to him tonight. I think he'd like that.

My condolences to all his other friends, and to his family. He will be greatly missed.

The art is Picasso's Blue Nude, 1902.

Too Sexy for My Plane

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/20638479/?GT1=10357

When I read this story I was shocked. Southwest Airlines almost threw her off a plane because she was dressed "too provocative" for their "family airline." Of course, there is no dress code for the airline. Someone complained and the male flight attendant just decided to tell her she couldn't fly in that outfit. He eventually said it was OK if she pulled the top of her sweater together and pulled down her skirt as far as she could. She was humiliated.

If that is the case then no college student in Boston should be able to fly.

What do you think? Too sexy to fly?

Jimmy Buffett

Yes, I went to my first Jimmy Buffett concert on Saturday night. It was so much fun I could hardly stand it. I think I liked the tailgating as much or more than the actual concert.

The picture is the two hot babes I went with, and me. R, on the left, was also a Buffett virgin. M, in the middle, has been before and has it all down to a science. She supplied the leis, and even brought blueberry vodka, which I wasted no time enjoying.

More on the concert to come.

Free Food in the Conference Room!

Why is that when food is free we have to have some? When there are clients in, and there is leftover lunch, why do we become starving orphans who MUST storm the conference room and have the leftover pizza and pasta salad? Even if we just ate our own lunch?

Even if we ordinarily don't eat potato chips, or cookies, or whatever, if it is free we scarf it up like starving dogs.

Or is it just me?

The art is English painter Edith Corbet's A Bacchante.

Cat Training

You might think I am talking about training my cat, but I mean just the opposite. My cat is working hard at training me.

He meows like crazy, a loud plaintive cry. So I go to see what is the matter. Well, so far, nothing is the matter. He just wants attention. And I give it because he is so damn cute.

He is doing a great job of training me. I already feed him, brush him and scoop out his crap. Now he has me coming when called.

I gotta get a backbone. Any suggestions?

My New Cat

I picked him up at the Animal Rescue League. He was a stray. He is 2 years old, black with yellow eyes, and the laziest cat in the world. He basically sleeps. He does get up to eat and use the litter box, but that seems to exhaust him so much he goes back to sleep.

Hell, shedding makes this cat tired. It's OK though. He is a total cutie, really affectionate. I named him Cujo because he is so fearsome, as you can see from the picture.

Do you have a pet?

Hairspray or Deodorant?

I was at the gym today. I worked out legs and abs. I then showered, dried off, lotioned up, and realized I'd forgotten my deodorant. They do have some in the locker room. It is in a little spray bottle attached with Velcro to a container that holds a clear liquid labeled "deodorant/antiperspirant." I'd used it before, so I spritzed some on and started to dry my hair.

My underarms felt really sticky. I glanced back at the container, and it said "Super Hold Hair Spray." Yikes! They had an identical container with identical clear fluid, and an identical spray bottle, but one was hair spray and the other was deodorant.

OK it wasn't a disaster. I just got a towel, soaked it in water, and cleaned off the hairspray. Then used deodorant.

I feel better now.

The image is a painting by William-Adolphe Bouguereau, The Bather, 1879.

Tattoo

No, not da plane, da plane! Tattoo. I am thinking of getting a tattoo. I'm thinking of something on my upper arm, sort of like the one in the photo.

What do you think? Do you have tattoos? Do you like them? Am I just too old for this kind of thing?

This Is Hilarious

A friend sent me this link and it just cracked me up. It is an actual ad for a shaver.

http://www.shaveeverywhere.com/

As a woman, I am used to shaving, so trimming and shaving the er, other areas isn't that much of a hinderance. How do you feel about those pesky hairy mammalian areas?

The art is Austrian Expressionist painter Egon Schiele's Female Nude, 1910. While many of the models for turn of the century paintings did seem to use shavers, Schiele's models didn't.

Theme Song

Do you have one? Lately, I think mine is Everybody's Changing by Keane.

You say you wander your own land
But when I think about it
I don't see how you can

You're aching, you're breaking
And I can see the pain in your eyes
Says everybody's changing
And I don't know why.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.

You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right.

So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.

Not the most cheerful song, but for now it will have to do. Do you have a theme song?

The art is German (Northern Renaissance) painter Hans Baldung Grien's The Seven Ages of Woman, c.1535

Al Gore or the Unabomber

Thanks to Howard

Castro's Favorite Color

I took the Al Gore or the Unabomber test. I got a 58%. All I can say is that the unabomber was really articulate!

Al Gore or the Unabomber? Who Said It?

Doing Nothing

Doing nothing uses 2000 steps a day. Seriously. I was looking through some old crap that was in a crap drawer, and found this pedometer. I clipped it onto my shorts at around noon. I did absolutely nothing all day.

You should walk 10,000 steps a day to be in good health. Well, that is what I read. So I am nowhere near that on this lazy Sunday afternoon.

The average woman walks about 6000 steps a day. I'll let you know how many steps I walk tomorrow, when I am actually doing something.

Do you have a crap drawer? What is in it?

Do you have a pedometer? How much do you walk? Do you care?

The art is a picture of myself and S, a friend. He walks a lot every day.

A trip to the restroom

The other night my friend Kate and I were at a bar and had to use the restroom, so off we went. This was one of these bars that have bathrooms that are downstairs, around a corner, down a corridor, and good luck finding the thing.

We went downstairs, around the corner, down the corridor, and saw 2 matching doors. We both opened them simultaneously, to find ourselves each in a dark utility closet. We laughed, turned around, and stepped back to get our bearings. We saw another door further down that was indeed a women's restroom.

We opened the door, and just to our right were 2 women leaving. We almost ran into them. Kate and I said, "Oh, excuse me!" Then we realized the women were us. There was a mirror on the wall just to our right as we entered the restroom.

It was a stupid bar anyway.

The art is Paul Gaugin's Two Tahitian Women with Mango Blossoms, 1899.

Memory

So as far as I can tell Memorial Day is meant to commemorate our memories.

My memories are becoming rather um, random, as I get older. My friends have begun telling me to "refresh."

For example, yesterday (Memorial Day) I was out on the deck with some friends, my friend R said something, and I said, "what?" Then after less than a minute I somehow heard it, and said, "Ahhh, well. Yeah, I did know that Jordin won American Idol." But there was like a moment when I swear I had no idea what he said. My friends were online looking at some crap or another, and told me I needed to "refresh." Er. OK.

Actually they were right. I have come to the point where I sometimes forget shit. Or did I always? I'm not sure. I just remember the time when I came back from the store, which is right down the street, and came to my own little alley-type street. I looked both ways and couldn't decide which way to go. Well, I did figure it out in about 10 seconds, but fo those few seconds it was really freaky. I really felt lost.

I needed to refresh, and then I could get were I was. No biggie, but at the time it was.

Have you ever had a moment like that? Where you needed to refresh?

The art is Andrew Wyeth's Overflow,

Gaggle of Giddy Giggling Girls

This is a common breed of human here in the college town of Boston. They can be spotted virtually anywhere, but tend to flock in and around bars, especially bars offering discounted appetizers and low priced beer.

Each individual member of a flock resembles the other members of the flock. For example, all may have long blond hair, or all may wear short skirts and tube tops. They stay very close together, even when relieving themselves in public restrooms.

Breaking one apart from the flock can be exceedingly difficult for the male of the species. Said males often watch from a safe distance. The males are their own breed, and will be discussed in a future post.

Oddly, these same girls can complain that "there are no guys here."

Once they have fed and drunk, their voices become high pitched and loud, some have called these voices "shrieking." Hearing one call out in this voice has been known to make others jump out of their seats in shock. At times a casual viewer will be tempted to slap them. Be advised, though, that while these girls may appear weak and inconsequential, when provoked they can wreak serious damage on a person's bodily area. I advise you to do nothing provocative in their presence. Please. It is for your own safety.

Do you have these creatures in your town?

The art is French Impressionist painter Renoir Pierre Auguste The Bathers, 1887. He was one of the great worshippers of the female form, and he said "I never think I have finished a nude until I think I could pinch it."

My New Gym

Today is my first day at my brand spanking new health club. I even have a personal trainer. Woo hoo!

The place is huge, and new, and clean, unlike any gym I've ever been to. My trainer Lesley did a fitness assessment. I am not in as bad of shape as I thought. My fat percentage was 15 on my belly, and 25 on my triceps and quads (those are the upper backs of my arms, and thighs to the unfit among us). :) Good thing they didn't test the fat content of my ass. That would be more like 90% fat, I think.

My cardiovascular endurance was Average, which is better than I thought it would be. I could do a grand total of 6 - yes, count 'em - 6 - push ups!

Guess I'll have to quit smoking now and be some kind of healthy person. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted!

Do you go to a gym? How is it?

The art is Bather Stretched Out On Floor by French painter Edgar Degas, 1886.

Birthday Girl!

That would be me. Please wish me a happy birthday, or well, you know. :)

Brrr

It's really cold here! It is 43 degrees. Last week it was in the 80's. Arrrgh! I have to get my non-sandal shoes out of storage!

Where is my spring?

The art is Girl With Red Blanket by Austrian Expressionist artist Egon Schiele. I don't have a date for this, but it was probably around 1912.

I wish I hadn't put away my blanket for the summer. Brrr.

Pimping Pandora

I feel like I am always begging my friends to suggest music to me that I might like. Today a friend told me about this site today and I like it. It is called The Music Genome Project at Pandora.com. You type in the name of a band. That opens up a radio station that plays other music similar to the music you chose. You can vote thumbs up or down for each song they play.

It's pretty cool. I typed in Keane and got a couple of songs by bands I'd never heard of. They suggested Back in Time by a band I'd never heard of called Beach Mercer, Home by Red Umbrella (never heard of them either) and Breaking my Heart by Aqualung.

They missed on a few others, but overall it was on mark.

Check it out if you wish.

http://www.pandora.com/

The art is Pandora by French Symbolist artist Odilon (Bertrand-Jean) Redon, c.1914.

Maybe I'm Not Cursed

I live in Boston and own a car. So I move my car for one of two reasons - To go to Ikea, or for street cleaning. When I am working from home I usually wait until the beginning of the street cleaning time (in my case the 1st and 3rd Wednesdays from Noon to 5pm), then go wait in the car. When I see the tow trucks coming to clear the street for the sweepers I drive around until the sweepers have passed. I always get the primo spot on our nice clean street if I time it right, and get to run a few errands as well.

Last street sweeping day, however, things were much more exciting. As I started to move, my car died. There are never any spots on street cleaning day. Cars are either in the legal spots on the other side of the streets, or they are driving around like me. My car died right in the middle of a street cleaning street. I could see the tow trucks at the beginning of the street headed toward me. I started to panic. I'd let my AAA membership lapse.

I suddenly remembered that my Amex Gold Card had some kind of roadside assistance feature, so I called them. I said, "My car died. It is street cleaning day, and the tow trucks are headed toward me. I can see them coming. Help!"

She proceeded to explain the rules and whatnot for the service. I stopped her, saying, "You don't understand. They are coming now! Can you just skip the explanation and send a truck?" She said she would try to speed things up, but it usually took about 45 minutes. I was panicking big time.

The city tow truck reached me. I begged. "Please don't tow me. I have a tow truck coming to rescue me. It is on its way."

"I'm sorry, ma'am, but we don't have a choice in this." Whenever they call you ma'am, you know you are in trouble.

I stalled them, saying, "Look, see what happens when I try to start it? Nothing. See?" They backed the tow truck up to my car anyway. The operator got out and started messing with the chains. I got out, defeated.

Then the driver said, "Oh. We just got a call that we are the truck to help you out." He smiled. I applauded.

I still had to have a tow, but it was on Amex, not on my dime. And they towed me to my favorite auto shop, not to some unknown tow lot somewhere in the far reaches of the state. I even got to ride in the tow truck with the driver rather than paying cab fare down to said strange faraway lot.

Yay! Then I wondered, what are the chances that the same tow truck that was first instructed to tow me for street cleaning was also the one they called to help me out?

Maybe I'm not cursed after all.

Have you ever had your car towed? Was it fun? Do you ever have good luck?

The art is American painter Edward Hopper's Morning in a City, 1944. This painting is at the Williams College Museum of Art in Williamburg, MA, where it was recently restored.

Mmmm.... Testicles

The AP reports that in Wisconsin, a popular dish is deep fried testicles. Mmmm... Testicles....

More than 300 people paid $5 for all-you-can-eat goat, lamb and bull testicles Saturday at the ninth annual Testicle Festival in central Wisconsin.

They fry up to 100 pounds of testicles every year.

"What else can you do in a small town?" one person who was interviewed said.

Another person said he likes the parts sandwiched between bread with tartar sauce.

Yeah, what else is there to do in a small town other than eat testicles? I dunno. Scrabble?

Have you ever had this tasty treat?

The art is Leonardo Da Vinci's Madonna in the Rock Grotto, c.1495. Some people claim to see a giant penis and testicle just above her head. Of course, they probably also see scary nightmare pandas in ice cubes.

Dress Your Age

I saw this television show that purports to help women dress better. The victim was this cute 40 something woman who wore short skirts and low cut tops. She looked great to me.

These horrible 20-something fashionazis informed her that she needed to dress more "her age." They put her in a freaking knee length skirt suit with pumps. She looked well, old. They stole her hotness. I wanted to reach through the screen and strangle those creeps.

Of course, I might be biased. I call my own fashion style style "teenage slut."

I wear the smallest jeans that I can fit my 50 year old booty into. My T-shirts or tank tops are also probably too tight, and my favorites are kind of low cut. I don't dress my age.

Anyone who doesn't like it can just look away.

What about it? Do you dress your age? Do you think there is an age at which we are no longer allowed to dress sexy?

The art is German Northern Renaissance painter Grien Hans Baldung's The Seven Ages of Woman, c.1535.

Baum chicka baum baum

I had a baum chicka baum baum moment yesterday.

My friend Megan called me. She said she had been gardening all day at her church, which is right up the street from me. She was covered in dirt from planting bushes and bulbs all day.

Here is the church. http://www.oldsouth.org/ It's really pretty, and I didn't burst into flames when I went inside it. Yay!

She lives a few miles away and took the T (Boston's public transit) that day. We were going to Jay's Derby Day party in the late afternoon. Jay's place is also near me.

So it made sense for her to shower and change here. After her shower she had to ask me something and so came out wearing only a towel.

Cue music. Where is the pizza guy when you need him?

The art is a postcard from the Old South Church. I have no idea when it was printed.

Cinco de Mayo and The Kentucky Derby

I don't know much about Cinco de Mayo.
I'm never sure what it's all about...

lyric from Mexico on Cake's album Prolonging the Magic.

I didn't know much about it either, so I looked it up. Cinco de Mayo commemorates the 1862 victory by outnumbered Mexican forces over French soldiers at the Battle of Puebla. Mexico had a lot of accumulated debt to France, and the French wanted payment. They didn't get it. It is not Mexico's Independence Day, which is September 16. Only gringos think it is Mexican Independence Day. Now you know better.

Nowadays it is a bigger holiday in the US than in Mexico, mainly so we can have parades, dance to Latin music, and enhance the sales of tequila to previously sober Americans who want to get shit faced in public.

Sort of like St. Patrick's Day, only with tequila.

Here in Boston, bars have had contests for the most creative sombrero; some have Mexican musicians, and they all sell a crap load of Mexican food and margaritas. A friend of mine is having a Kentucky Derby party today, so I will go to that. I'll invite my only Mexican friend, but he probably has other plans.

In case you didn't know, the Kentucky Derby is a horse race.

My friend makes mint juleps for Derby Day. I hate mint juleps. They taste like minty poo. Not that I've ever tasted poo, minty or not, but still. I'll bring wine instead. I should just get some Patron and make margaritas, but his kitchen is too small to handle two different fancy drinks.

Are you planning anything for Cinco de Mayo? Or for Derby Day? Or are you drunk already?

The art is Nude with Calla Lilies by Mexican artist Diego Rivera, 1944.

Sitting in Squatters' Urine

I went out last night with friends to a local bar. As happens, I had to use the ladies' room. Miraculously there was no line. I dropped my pants and checked the seat in the dark stall for urine. I saw none, pulled my thong out of my ass, and sat down on the seat. I didn't realize a squatter had been there.

There is nothing quite so shockingly unappealing as the cold knowledge that you are sitting in someone else's piss. Apparently there exist women who are too scared to sit on a strange porcelain horseshoe.

Squatters are the scourge of all bars, some restaurants, and increasingly even workplaces. Once one of them enters and does her thing, spraying piss about like dogs in the wild, we all must follow suit and squat also.

Our only other option is to wipe up her urine. I am tired of wiping up strange women's urine. I am tired of sitting in squatters' urine.

Is this a female-only problem? Do you squat or sit?

The art is a drawing by Vincent Van Gogh titled Nude Woman Squatting Over a Basin. This was drawn in Paris, in 1887. It is currently at the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam.